Fears Rise As Hell Experiences Coldest Winter Yet

A series of long forgotten, ill-considered agreements has risen to the surface as temperatures in Hell this January reach their lowest since records began.

Slight frost was reported this morning across northerly parts of the mythic religious underworld as temperatures reached 2 degrees Celsius (36 degrees Farenheight). With low pressure forcast in the coming cycle, chances of ice have risen sharply.

"I never believed anything like this would happen" said Heather Bristol, 22, of Somerset. "When I told Simon [Waters] three years ago that I'd go out with him when hell froze over, it was on the understanding that such an event was probably the least likely thing to happen. I'll be honest, I thought my intentions were pretty clear but now I'm worried I might have to make good on the deal".

Many others are being forced to face up to similar past deals as the chances of sub-zero temperatures in Satan's fallen realm become a real possibility. Crazy relatives of business owners are thought to be likely to launch bizzarre schemes which had previously been ignored, wives are expected to engage in sexual practices which their husbands had been begging for for years and the National Theatre is expected to stage a 6-month run of a new musical about the life of Sir Jimmy Savile, written by and starring the DJ and media personality himself.

Lawyers have confirmed that dropping temperatures could lead to a large number of people being forced to agree to things they never wanted to. "I'm sure many such promises were made rhetorically to suggest the concerned party would never partake in or allow a certain act," said Nigel Pinder of Russel's & Associates, "but in the British courts, such verbal contracts are taken as binding if made clearly and without duress".

In light of current circumstances, those in need of promises which they will never have to act on are said to be instead linking things they wish not to do to the moment that Elvis Presley rides into Trafalger Square with Lord Lucan on the back of Red Rum. However, recent sightings of the the iconic rock'n'roll singer around stables in Oxfordshire at midnight have caused some to warn against such actions.

Similar promise-based problems were reportedly caused back in 2007, when a report of flying pigs forced Tony Blair to grudgingly step down as Prime Minister, inviting Gordon Brown to take his place.