Local Man Demands Time Back

London resident Mark Greenthal was outraged this morning at finding an hour had been lost on the switch-over to British Summer Time.

"Every year this happens! I give an hour of my valuable time away for no reason. I have it taken away from me - and I don't get it back until October!" complanied the database engineer to local reporters.

"The worst thing is, I never really need the hour in October. I don't have much to do around then but right now I could really do with it."

Greenthal is angry at the Greenwich Mean Time authority which he claims has taken hours away from him - without consultation - every year for as long as he can remember. Although it has been discovered that these are always eventually returned, Greenthal points out that this is always "When it suits them. And without any form of compensation for the time they've effectively borrowed from me."

Ann Richards from Greenwich Time, which organises the transition to British Summer Time said "Mr Greenthal is in fact mistaken. We in fact lend him an hour each year in October - and we don't ask for it back until the following March." She pointed out that people are often unaware of this fact and it is good to have the opportunity to correct them.

"Now you mention it, Mr Greenthal actually owes us about 7 hours 32 minutes in interest for the last few years" she added.

lolhorseshoecrabz - A New Internet Phenomenon

After the enourmous viral success of the internet meme lolcatz, the latest in captioned animal photos has hit the internet. lolhorseshoecrabz see users attaching grammitcally incorrect comical text to popular photos of readers' horse-shoe crabs.

Such creations as lolbison and lolgastropods are expected to become popular in coming months.

George Bush's New Book - Pre-Emptive Review

"Bush's new book will cover his presidency and how he reached ten of the most important decisions he faced in office.

Many have doubted Bush's writing abilities - clearly not equal to those of his successor Barack Obama - but he has exceled himself in this work, which has obvious references to the work of Beckett and Joyce. In fact, anyone who can spin a series of games of Eeni Meaney Miney Mo out to 300-pages has a creative ability to be reckoned with, in my book."

Simon Roget's book will in shops May 2009

"Gate Suffic Being Overused" Claims Political Commentator

The "-gate" suffix, used to denote a scandal and derived from the Watergate crisis of the Nixon presidency, is being overused in political commentary according to Brent Richards.

"It used to be a good way to quickly create a key reference-word for emerging and sprawling politcal events; it then became a comical way to over-exagerate the importance of poltician's mistakes; however now, the term is so overused as to have more or less no meaning" stated the ex-government advisor yesterday. "By becoming a cliche, the term has lost any meaning it perhaps used to have and each extra usage just drags us further into a semantic bog".

A number of other journalists and commentators have picked up on this issue since, which it has been agreed is a serious concern. Those indentifed of being embroiled in the scandal - which has now become known as Gategate - were seeking damage limitation yesterday evening.

Freak Snowfall Hits London, Becomes News

Major snowfall hit Britain today, starting around 0400GMT and expected to continue most of the day. The snowfall is much like that which falls during the winter months in Britain each year, except for the fact some of it has fallen in the capital of England - London.

News media srambled to cope with this "freak", "dramatic" and "desevstating" occurence which they they compared to the "ordinary" and "not major" snowfalls which occured with equal severity in other parts of the country in 2007, 2006, 2005 and other years.

"I'm sure it's snowed somewhere before," said Guardian journalist Jenny Hayward "but this is a bit different - this time there's snow in the way of people who are actually doing things. Out of my way, I need to get this story down - this is big."

"Oh my God, I just slipped on that iced puddle and broke my pen - this gets more serious by the second!" She added.

Large areas of pages near the front of papers were cleared to make room for this gripping story. The residents of London were apparently delayed in a number of places and were in certain cases incapable of doing certain things they would otherwise have done. "It is important to remember that in this case, the snow has affected people in London from doing things they would presumably have done in London as well - quite possibly near to places where real things are really happening." Added John Bryats from Mayor Of London's office.

In trying to understand this freak occurence which has had a monumental effect on London's residents, references were made to snowfall in other cities in recent times. However, these were quickly dropped after journalists, broadcasters and politicians became aware that such events were not newsworthy, as they did not involve people or places of necessary importance.

Fears Rise As Hell Experiences Coldest Winter Yet

A series of long forgotten, ill-considered agreements has risen to the surface as temperatures in Hell this January reach their lowest since records began.

Slight frost was reported this morning across northerly parts of the mythic religious underworld as temperatures reached 2 degrees Celsius (36 degrees Farenheight). With low pressure forcast in the coming cycle, chances of ice have risen sharply.

"I never believed anything like this would happen" said Heather Bristol, 22, of Somerset. "When I told Simon [Waters] three years ago that I'd go out with him when hell froze over, it was on the understanding that such an event was probably the least likely thing to happen. I'll be honest, I thought my intentions were pretty clear but now I'm worried I might have to make good on the deal".

Many others are being forced to face up to similar past deals as the chances of sub-zero temperatures in Satan's fallen realm become a real possibility. Crazy relatives of business owners are thought to be likely to launch bizzarre schemes which had previously been ignored, wives are expected to engage in sexual practices which their husbands had been begging for for years and the National Theatre is expected to stage a 6-month run of a new musical about the life of Sir Jimmy Savile, written by and starring the DJ and media personality himself.

Lawyers have confirmed that dropping temperatures could lead to a large number of people being forced to agree to things they never wanted to. "I'm sure many such promises were made rhetorically to suggest the concerned party would never partake in or allow a certain act," said Nigel Pinder of Russel's & Associates, "but in the British courts, such verbal contracts are taken as binding if made clearly and without duress".

In light of current circumstances, those in need of promises which they will never have to act on are said to be instead linking things they wish not to do to the moment that Elvis Presley rides into Trafalger Square with Lord Lucan on the back of Red Rum. However, recent sightings of the the iconic rock'n'roll singer around stables in Oxfordshire at midnight have caused some to warn against such actions.

Similar promise-based problems were reportedly caused back in 2007, when a report of flying pigs forced Tony Blair to grudgingly step down as Prime Minister, inviting Gordon Brown to take his place.

Are Self-Answering Questions Worth Asking?

We'll be looking at this burning question here at The Genuine Article this week.